When to Get a Coach: How to Stop Feeling so Alone

Written By Claire Bernson

Summary:

Nancy’s advice - the time to invest in  a generator is  when there is a  hurricane in the forecast(!) - get it when you see the storm forming on the horizon. The same applies to leadership coaching. Her insights, drawn from years working with women in nonprofit and government leadership positions helping them recognize when their "shoulders" need to come down and use coaching support to lead authentically and in their own voice..

 

What’s in it for you:

  • You're curious about how coaching actually works , what makes it effective and how it can help you in your leadership

  • You are tired of feeling isolated in your job responsibilities

  • You are beginning to doubt that inner voice telling you "I should be able to handle this myself" 

 

Helia’s Perspective

I often feel alone.  I remember the first moment at Think of Us when I realized, anything good OR anything bad, it was all kind of “mine”.  Moments when things went haywire while parenting my kids as a single-ish mom (their dad lived six hours away and was down 1-2 weekends/month).  Times where I took on too much and sat alone at my desk not sure how I’d gotten myself back into a situation.  Each time, I felt like everything was on me….

This sense of being alone is never completely true - I shared leadership and the work at TOU, my best friend was down the street and was always a call away and it turns out, there were folks I could reach out to and ask to help and, well, they would! My biggest mistakes in life have come when I tried to carry everything by myself.

When I connected with Nancy Fournier, I was immediately drawn to her talking about the impact of  getting the ground under your feet so you can stay strong.  She  used a boxer analogy of going to your corner so you can go back out there.  

How beautiful to have a coach who can recognize the patterns that might be holding you back - creating a mirror that allows us to see ourselves more clearly. In a world that often pushes us to "just figure it out,"  And how beautiful to do it while we still have the ground under us, before we reach a breaking point…

Nancy’s Story

When Nancy was starting her practice,she reached out to friends and colleagues saying, "I want you to give me the names of women running nonprofits who I don't know that I could talk to and learn what they love and hate about their jobs."

Those 15-minute interviews turned into conversations with 38 women across the country - old, young, Black, white, leading all different types of agencies and issues. Despite their diversity, She heard the exact same themes from nearly all of them:

It's incredibly isolating. I  cannot share everything with my staff, my Board has no idea what i truly do and my service partners  are also my competitors And, I am exhausted..

This isolation wasn't just personal loneliness. It’s professional isolation and it’s very real. As Nancy explains: "They carry so much on their shoulders and have no one to share the full scope of what they are juggling.  Their family  and friends don't want to hear it, and they do not really understand your work.. So, you never have your guard totally down and you're alone. You just feel alone, and in that isolation you begin to second-guess yourself."

Leaders carry immense responsibility without having spaces to process, reflect, or simply be honest about their struggles.  (Read this leader’s anonymous story “I Want to Love My Job Again” about working with Nancy and just how powerful coaching can be!).

What this Looks Like in Practice

  • Nancy has observed that coaching experiences fall on a spectrum from helpful to truly transformative. What makes the difference? The leader's own engagement and openness.

    "When I think about all my clients for whom coaching would be called transformational, it's maybe a third," Nancy reflects. "What they have in common is they were really committed. They did the work, they fearlessly looked at their own behavior and thought  patterns and were willing to change  . They did not treat it as 'every two weeks I'll talk to you for an hour and yeah, I'll read your notes .' They embraced it."  Not surprisingly(!), when coaching stays at a surface level—treated as a formula rather than a relationship—the impact is limited.

    This willingness to dive deep comes from valuing yourself enough to invest fully in the process. "Leadership is not for babies," Nancy says directly. "If you want to be a good leader, it's a lot of work. And you've got to be self-aware and you've got to be willing to take your lumps and hear not uncomfortablethings." The most powerful coaching happens when leaders are ready to be vulnerable, curious, and completely present.

  • The best timing for coaching? When you can see the storm forming on the horizon, but before the hurricane hits. When your shoulders are starting to feel perpetually "up" but you haven't completely burned out.

    "If you continually feel like your shoulders are up when you get in your car to drive home, there's something going on. Get your shoulders down," Nancy advises. "And some people wait till they get sick, which happens, or they get into some huge conflict at work or their board says that's enough or some crisis happens."   Here are a few signs BEFORE things feel they have reached a crisis:

    You're constantly complaining about your team. One of the key signs you need a coach? When you feel frustration with your leadership team and your board.  Per Nancy, “You feel like your staff is  too dependent on you or they're not performing in the way that you want or they're not taking stuff off your plate.”  OR, “when you totally write off your board as any type of value add, that it's this pain in the ass group of cats you have to herd that really are not worth the effort.” These complaints are rarely actually about others as much as it’s about you - and without something changing you are going to burn out and leave or just start phoning it in, it’s time to look for a coach. 

    Your to-do list never shrinks. "You know that really ambitious to-do list thing that's a combination of your big picture stuff as well as the write the thank you note to the donor stuff? That list never really shrinks….”  Nancy can tell you  those never ending list are symptoms of poor prioritization and time management and delegation - and the core of it all is that your list is running you instead of you running your list." Coaching helps in mastering the skills and habits to focus and delegate so you are not resentful and spending your time on the right stuff - aka you’re running your list!

    You feel profoundly isolated. "You’re driving home feeling like you're taking off this superman cape and putting on another mask. Most of Nancy’s clients are running their organization and their homes, dealing with their kid’s schedules, the care of their parents and keeping the social calendar for the family. You are putting out a ton of energy and have no outlet to recharge. Recognizing these patterns early allows you to seek support before reaching a breaking point – which is exactly what happened to many leaders Nancy has worked with.

  • While coaching is valuable, there are moments when it may not be the most effective:

    When your personal bandwidth is limited: Major organizational transitions or when you are brand new (like the first few months) in your leadership role, or you're already mentally "out the door" may not be ideal times. Nancy explains: "I think it's got to do with personal bandwidth. It's not the moment if you're about to merge with another organization. It's not the moment when you are starting a  co-director relationship because you have other things to focus on.  Coaching can be really helpful in navigating major transitions but it should be sequenced so you can get the most out of the relationship.  Think about it like this - we’ve got to date a few times before you go to the marriage counselor. You have to let yourself be in it. So, I think those are not the best times."

    During major life disruptions: "Big life changes, the death of spouse, parent, when somebody's grieving, it's very hard to [focus]. While coaches focus on the person’s professional life, you bring your personal life into your job. So when there's a huge emotional loss that's going on, it's hard, and often too much to focus on your work. So it could be a divorce, it could be a death, it could be a relocation, whatever those things are."

    When you're too new: "When someone is brand new, I work with recruiters and it's like ‘let them find the bathroom, let them understand the budget, know what's happening before we introduce coaching.’  Just give people time to get settled and so everyone is off their good behavior, generally two or three months in. Again, it is a bandwidth issue.  Coaching is really about sharpening self-reflection and the conditions have to support this.

Secret Sauce & Takeaways

  • Bring your full self to the process: The leaders who experience transformational coaching are those who engage deeply with the work rather than treating it as an obligation. As Nancy observed about these clients: "They valued themselves at a totally different level. I can't take credit. When I think of them, each one of them is insightful and they worked hard on themselves."

  • Trust your intuition about if you can work with this person: Goodness of fit matters.  Talk to a few coaches and get a sense of their style and approach.  Coaching is all about the relationship and you should  feel comfortable.  Does this person “get you”?  Do they hear you?  Can you learn from them?  Come to that initial conversation with some clear questions (Nancy’s recommendeds THESE!).   

  • Address isolation proactively: A coach can help break the isolation AND you will need a network of peers. "My clients get homework to consciously develop meaningful support systems," Nancy shared. "Let's figure out who you want to connect with. Who are you going to call and go out to coffee with sometime between now and when we next talk. Because they've got some wisdom for you and they're also experiencing similar things. So you're going to feel less alone by reaching out to others with intention."

  • Understand what's yours to change and what isn't: "I help them figure out what's their internal  tape that you're never going to change. One client of mine has a tape that will never change – that she is more analytical than most of the people she's working around. It's not going to change. That is how she's built. She's a strategic analytical thinker. What is in her control is  the  other negative stuff that gets wrapped around  how she  shows up in the world.  Its about embracing your assets unapologetically and limiting that internal dialogue which can be brutal in our self-assessment."

  • Leadership is relationship: "That's all work is – your leadership is relationships. That's my primary focus: how are you managing down with your staff, how are you managing up with your Board, and how are you managing across with funders and partners. That's it. It's all relationship. You know how to do a capital campaign? God love you. But it comes down to relationship. You know how to create good psychosocial assessments for clients? That's fabulous. But to make this really work and make an impact t's relationship. How you 'be' with people, how you feel about yourself finding that sweet spot where you can be genuine and confident in your leadership."

Questions to Ask Yourself

  • Do you constantly feel like your shoulders are "up" when driving home?

  • Is your to-do list running you, rather than you running it?

  • Do you feel like you are constantly overworked?

  • When was the last time you felt on top of your work challenges?

  • What patterns might be recurring in your leadership that you haven't been able to interrupt on your own?

 

Want to Try This?

 

About the Library Contributor

Nancy Fournier works exclusively with women nonprofit leaders, helping them navigate the unique challenges of mission-driven work. She’s a trusted thought partner and leadership coach for executive directors and senior leaders across the country.

In her leadership coaching Nancy creates a reflective space where leaders can recognize patterns, develop new strategies learn new work habits, and rebuild trust in their own leadership. She's like the trusted corner person in a boxing match – helping you catch your breath, tend to your wounds, and prepare to step back into the ring stronger.

To learn more about Nancy's work, visit her at her website Relish Your Role.

This article comes from a coffee chat with Nancy in May 2025. These conversations form the heart of the Helia Library – because I've learned the most from doing and from talking with other doers willing to share their wisdom. We don't need to start from blank pages or do it all alone.

As always, take what's helpful, leave what's not, and make it your own.

Love this article? Have a suggestion? We want to hear it all. Share feedback on this article here, and on The Helia Collective as a whole here.

Claire Bernson
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